Two major developments have rocked our small but mighty pleasure empire this week...
🏆 AWARD-WINNING MAW ALERT
The beautiful, talented, and clearly knowledgeable people at The Sexual Freedom Awards have decided that The Maw Grinder should win Product of the Year! This obviously means we're objectively the best and we've got a golden dildo award to prove it.
Our second award THIS YEAR (we're going to need a museum-lit shelf at this rate!)
🙏 THOUGHTS & PRAYERS
Our beloved hand model, and social media extraordinaire, Hannah, is currently on an unplanned break from being the star in our social media videos. Despite her frequently bragged-about "elite immune system", powered by those horrifying ginger/chili juice shots, she's been defeated by common germs.
Nature: 1, Hannah's Elite Immune System: 0
Send healing thoughts her way.
COMING SOON...
DESIGN A GRINDER WINNER IMMINENT:
The final winner of our Design A Grinder contest is this close to launching. I've seen it. It looks AMAZING. Just waiting on product photos, final measurements, and me finding enough caffeine to write a product description that does it justice. (Send espresso shots, not the ginger/chili kind.)
THE FANTASY TAKEOVER CONTINUES:
Four. yes, FOUR! Sinnovator models will be making their grand entrance on Uncover Creations next week. It's basically the NWO of fantasy pleasure products. What do you mean you don't get a 1996 wrestling reference?
AWARD SHELF SITUATION:
Our growing trophy collection has sparked intense office debate. Team Spotlight wants dramatic museum lighting. Team Rotating Display wants "maximum award visibility from all angles." Meanwhile, I'm quietly researching if velvet ropes are a legitimate business expense.
That's about it for this week, so thank you and goodbye forever*!
*until next week when I'll have more updates and hopefully news of Hannah's triumphant return.
Your Favourite Chief Dildo Officer / Dragon Slayer