Hey Beautiful People!
Your friendly Chief Dildo Officer here, coming in with updates from our overcrowded office...
DESIGN YOUR OWN DILDO COMPETITION IS LIVE!
Think you've got a mind as creative as it is dirty? Got bedroom ideas our product team is too vanilla to dream up? Ever thought 'if only THIS existed...'? Well, grab your pencil because our Design Your Own Dildo Competition is here!
Submit your concept, and if you win, we'll give you some cash AND turn your fantasy sketch into a professionally engineered sex toy.
[Submit Your Design Here] and please try to avoid drawing anatomically impossible features.
ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END... OR CLIMAX 💔
FREE MYSTERY DILDO PROMO IS ENDING!
Our wildly popular mystery dildo giveaway is reaching its grand finale. You know how it is - all good things must come to an end.
But don't worry! It MIGHT come back sometime in the future.
...But it also MIGHT NOT.
So yes, this is absolutely me using scarcity tactics to make you panic buy. Is it working?
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF SPACE
In case you missed the announcement - we bought Sinnovator! If you're not familiar, they make VERY LARGE toys. Like, impressively, anatomically ambitious large. We're talking "how does that even fit?" large.
The downside? Our warehouse/studio/offices are running out of space... I've pitched a brilliant pulley system to take advantage of the ceiling space (think adult toy zip lines), but Alex doesn't seem keen. Apparently "workplace safety" is a thing. THERE'S NO BAD IDEAS ALEX.
SLIQUID...
IS COMING BACK!
We're desperately trying to get it back in stock. Our usual supplier is bone dry (oh the irony), so we've said sod it and gone direct to the source.
We have to buy in bulk, but it's worth it – it's one of the best, if not THE best and safest lubes on the market. Suddenly my pulley system suggestion is looking pretty good now, isn't it Alex? 👀
Thank you and goodbye forever!
Your Favourite Chief Dildo Officer / Dragon Slayer