Now then,
Hope you're doing well. How's your week going? Good? Great. Okay, small talk out of the way, let's get into the good stuff.
These past few weeks have been absolutely unhinged at the office. We now have official policies about what you can and cannot stick to the ceiling...
WEDNESDAY ON A TUESDAY: Well, we just added another 44 new products to the Wednesday Ready Made Collection. Go see them. Go buy them.
CEILING POLICY: We had to have an actual conversation with staff about sticking dildos to the ceiling. Yes, the suction cups work. Yes, they work incredibly well. But here's the thing: falling hazards are real, and no one (and I mean NO ONE) wants to explain how they got hit by a falling dildo.
So if you were wondering whether our suction cups are quality tested... they are. Aggressively. By our team. On our ceiling. You're welcome.
INCOMING: SOMETHING BIG: Okay so there's some news coming later this week and it's BIG. XL news, if you will. That's all I can say right now. But keep an eye on your inbox. It's the kind of announcement that's been... shall we say... a long time coming.
MYSTERY DILDO MASTERMIND ALERT: We need to talk about the person who managed to add 105 free mystery dildos to their cart.
Look, I admire the hustle. I respect the intelligence it took to figure out you could place 10 separate orders and game the system. But are we going to send 105 free dildos to one person? No. No we're not.
However, this IS a subtle reminder that you get a FREE Mystery Dildo when you purchase a toy. One per order/customer. Like normal people.
SHOUTOUT TO SINNOVATOR: Big love to Sinnovator who just re-launched Absolem and it looks absolem-ly beautiful in its new pour.
THE SATYR SITUATION: The Satyr dildo is our best selling dildo this month. Which is pretty huge considering our range. You all clearly have excellent taste!
Our design team is currently debating whether this means we need more mythology inspired designs. I'll keep you posted.
Right, that's about it. Have a good one!
Chief Dildo Officer (I was told I could choose my own title)